The EBP Insider Report, Week 3

The EBP Insider Report, Week 3

Chaos, pandemonium, high crimes and misdemeanors are just a few words that describe this year’s season so far for the EBP.  They started the year with very high hopes, a solid draft lineup, excellent talent that was untouched by the injury bug.  The first game was a W but a squeaker to that lawless Bill Cosby team along with the unfortunate event on the side lines involving the EBP cheer squad, and an ongoing criminal investigation.  Week two was derailed by a wrong turn in the depths of Trey City that resulted in a kidnapping and a devastating loss as well as a total loss of the EBP team bus.  Despite these tumultuous first two week of the PSA Rifle Crew season the EBP club was upbeat and ready to play the Lead Slingers in a home game back at Graceland stadium.  They picked up some surprisingly good talent from free agency before the game and were favored by almost 20 points prior to kickoff.  Unlike the first two games, the Lead Slingers appeared to be a legit team with morals and sportsmanship.  The EBP squad was soundly beaten and out coached in a not so close game.  This devastating loss was the reason the GM placed a gag order on the entire organization in regards to talking to the media.  Rumors are abound that Elvis may be on the way out as the GM is interviewing new replacement coaches in the event the season continues to slide into the abyss.

Rumors have it that there have been at least three interviews for the head coaching position.  Of course none of this is official and strictly rumor but Gene Simmons was seen leaving in a limo behind the clubhouse after about an hour in the GM’s office while the EBP was at practice this week.  If I were a betting man, Gene Simmons could take Elvis by the 2^nd round in any format death match.  That kind of talent is hard to resist for a win hungry GM!

Tony Stewart is the second front runner since announcing his upcoming retirement from driving a race car.  Not really sure how good of a marriage this would be, but the rumor mill is he is looking for a new sport where it is legal to run over people.  Those anger management issues are sure a selling point for a struggling football team looking for a winning season.  Tony received a text message from the GM just this week and some suspect that was the reason Tony has decided to hang up his racing career to pursue a new field of study.  No one knows for sure how many times Tony and the EBP GM have spoken prior.

The third and last possible replacement is Jeb Bush.  They say that politics is like Hollywood for ugly people, that being the case, Jeb might just fit the bill.  Without a win streak in politics and a dismal prospect for this election cycle, and a family history of being involved with professional sports teams he does seem qualified.  The GM was seen in Crawford TX this week immediately after the bitter loss.   Initial rumors were he was drinking and watching the game with “W” and was in town for a standard halftime beer run.  When birds of a different feather start flocking together the poperrotzis start digging deeper to uncover the dirt.  It was discovered that Jeb flew in to meet with the GM and everyone knows it wasn’t to support his campaign for president, so you be the judge. 

Maybe after this week the gag order will be lifted and Elvis can keep his job with a win over Carlos’s dangerous team this weekend.  It is very clear however that Elvis is on the hot seat and we are only 3 weeks into the season.  (yes…yes… we all know Chip Kelly is to, but don’t count on it)  Fantasy Football is a nasty business and if Elvis can’t pull it together, maybe Gene or one of these other contenders can……a win is a win is a win!

Week Two: The unfortunate events keep coming.....

Week two of the PSA Rifle Crew league rolls on with the Elvis Beaver Posse’s bad luck string in tow.  First it was the escapades of Bill Cosby on the sidelines and now, this past weekend something happened that has never happened in team history!  The bus for EBP was on the road to the notorious and dangerous Trey City for an away game when the team needed to stop for some snacks.  Wood chips in any city are extremely hard to find and the EBP bus ended up in a bad neighbor in the heart of Trey City.  After departing the bus the team was mugged by what looked like the offensive squad of the Philadelphia Eagles!  Our team members were tied up in a local crack house while the Eagles Offensive team dressed in EBP uniforms!  It appears that organized crime runs Trey City’s underworld and they were betting heavy on a Trey City win.  So much so they kidnapped the EBP squad and sent in Chip Kelly’s boys to take our place!  Well the beaver costumes and uniforms worked and no one suspected the fraud which I still can’t believe.  Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal!?? Com’ on!   That just doesn’t happen in real life!

Anyway, luckily the real EBP team gnawed through the ropes and a couple of the real team members made it to the game in time to make a last minute effort to put some points on the board but it was too little too late.  The ringers on the Trey City team had already pounded the beaver look-a-likes and the game was lost.  Beware when traveling to Trey City (or visiting Bill Cosby for that matter)!  Next week is a home game back at Graceland.  We should fare much better back on our own turf and Anquan back in the lineup.  However if the Lead Slingers perform like they did last week, we might just call Chip’s boys back to play for us again!

EBP’s Rundown of Week 1:

EBP’s Rundown of Week 1:

Game Recap

Bill Cosby came to Graceland’s Beaver Dam this week with high hopes.  After napping through the draft and the first 3 quarters of the game, he was awakened with the sole help of Julio Jones who dreamed of a Cosby victory. Despite the late game day preparations and last minute trades, Cosby’s Graceland sleepover remained peaceful, except for Julio.   Julio surprised the Posse late in the 4^th quarter with loads of lawlessness and disrespect!  Julio was able to distract the Posse long enough to squeak the Cosby Crue into the lead.  But he was no match for the ever vigilant Anquan, who was waiting crouched and ready to attack in the last game of week 1!  With Cosby only one point head, Anquan sprang the trap and overwhelmed Cosby delivering a 300% effort!  That’s right!  Anquan delivered a blistering 300% effort or 3 points for those of you that are bad at math, to push the Posse into the victory circle.

Unfortunate Events

At some point during the 3^rd quarter a member of the Beaver’s Cheer leading Squad was rushed to Graceland Memorial Hospital for an alleged sexual assault and battery.  Various eye witnesses saw Cosby awake and down on the Posse’s sidelines during the time frame of the alleged assault.  As a result of these unfortunate events, the remaining Squad members have requested Anquan on the side lines for protection during next week’s game when the Posse travels to the notorious and very dangerous Trey City.  Why the Squad chose Anquan still remains to be seen, however I suspect the ladies were overly impressed with his 300% effort during that won the game for the Posse week one.